Profiling

If you haven’t committed yourself to misery, by this I mean “married”, then you are probably on one of the many online dating sites awaiting your perfect match. Exactly how long have you been on that dating site? It amazes me how so many singles find easier to commit to a website than to an actual human being. What is taking so many, so long to find a match? If there is someone for everyone, are online dating sites a dumping station for nobody’s. I don’t think so but, there definitely is a problem.

Actually, I think it’s more like a syndrome. You create a larger than life caricature of yourself, give it a flashy, eye-catching “user” name like Longstroxx or Super-Electric and begin the act of deciphering some truth from the myriad of profiles available for your viewing. Once you’ve narrowed your search and you’ve mustered the courage you are ready to make your big move... and wink. This is the playful way to get someone’s attention without having to put a sentence together. This is about as much of a commitment as hitting the “Watch This Item” button on that G.I. Joe Action Figure that has your attention on ebay. The best part is, if he or she doesn’t respond to your Wink you can convince yourself that they missed it, or that they’ve met someone, or they’re an asshole, or they’ve been enrolled in the witness protection program... You get my point. It has nothing to do with you because you are FABULOUS. (According to your profile) The only thing left to do is quadruple the number of Winks you send out thereby increasing your odds of getting a response. It is now about quantity, not quality.

And then it happens; a wink back. We have contact. You go to their profile and read it this time, word for word and insanity ensues. You read and you hammer that square peg into your round hole because, let’s face it, you’re desperate. You read and equivocate, “They like cats, I like cats. Even though I am allergic and can’t be within one mile of one, I still like them. They smoke but are trying to quit. Hey, we’ve all had addictions. Besides the cats will have already set off my asthma.” You make exceptions and excuses because your life has been reduced to fly paper.

Then you go out on a date with them and you are shocked to find that they aren’t a good match. But you don’t even see it that way. You think they’ve somehow duped you and that you are so much better than them. You leave the date angry, go home, log on and the endless cycle continues.

Two years later you’ve sent 4,320 winks, spent $260 on membership fees, and have logged 860 hours online. All for not. Why do we do it? No one has come up with a better way? We know a happily married couple who met online? Well, I have a different theory. I think anyone who has been on an online dating site for more than a year has either no self-esteem, an inflated sense of self-worth, or is married.

I’m going to create my own dating site that requires a copy of a current passport, including photo and the answers to the following four questions :

1. 1. Are you in a relationship married or otherwise.
   

2. 2. What kind of car would you drive if you could afford any car.
   

3. 3. What is your favorite pair of shoes.
   

4. 4. Do you smoke.
   

From this, I should be able to ascertain if you and I are a good enough match to get coffee. Everything else I want to know I can find out in person having what history refers to as “a conversation”.

Send your comments to: jodysloane@jodysloane.com

Word of the Day

equivodate (ih-kwiv-uh-deyt)

-verb

the use of ambiguous or unclear expressions to mislead and secure social engagements

T & A With The TSA

On December 15th my mother will turn 70 years old. As a birthday gift I have planned a vacation for us. When I told her about the trip she asked if I could buy her a bathing suit with an American Flag on it. It seemed an odd request since I have not seen my mother in a bathing suit since 1974. So, I asked what was driving this need. She said, “If I am going to fly I want everyone to know that I support the TSA and our country in their effort to keep airline passengers safe. I will wear the bathing suit through airport security.”

I cannot express to you the pride I felt in my mother at that moment. She has always been a certain kind of crazy but to have that crazy focused and with purpose had me smiling with the glee of a pubescent boy at a cheerleading rally. Some of my joy was also derived from the fact that I rarely agree with my mother on national affairs of any sort. I have her back on this one! (Which, once clad in a bathing suit may not be the best angle but, I’m there none-the-less!)

We are a nation of whiners. We want it all and wish to sacrifice little to get it. We want our government to ensure our safety, yet do not think that we should assist or be inconvenienced in anyway in that effort. Those who oppose the new regulations feel that it violates civil liberties including the right to privacy and Freedom of Religion! Freedom of Religion?! Oh yeh, that’s the catch all! If you are asked to do something you don’t want to do throw out the “Freedom of Religion” card. It hurls people into a defenseless, hunched Gollum pose. I am not sure what religion the new regulation violates. Must be some archaic christian, fondling before marriage thing. Let me say this; if fondling passengers or running them through scanners prevents the plane I am on from becoming a “Weapon of Mass Destruction”, grope, poke, peak away!

Recently a passenger in San Diego threatened the TSA officer with, “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested”. First, if you prize your penis to the extent that you will have a man who is simply doing his job arrested if he touches it, perhaps you should not call it “junk”. Second, since only 16% of men have what is considered a large penis (measuring over 6.1” when erect), the odds are that you are not a member of said population and should not be so full of yourself. And finally, if in fact you are a minority (and by this I mean part of the 16%) and packing a Patriot Missile, I think that you owe it to other passengers to put it out there like a road-side attraction. Don’t be so damned selfish!

I realize that there are women who may view the search or scan as a violation of their privacy. I am a survivor of a violent crime that included sexual assault. I do not consider myself a victim and I believe that being offended by anything in life is a choice. I do not think that I have been desensitized. I don’t let external forces have that much influence on who I am or how I feel. Consider this; if we don’t allow the TSA to enforce these regulations, how can you be sure a terrorist with hot underwear won’t get on your plane and blow your precious bajingo to smithereens? Snap out of it!

That said, I look forward to my flight on December 14th out of Logan with my 70 year old mother, both prepared for our TSA search in our Patriotic swimsuits!

Word of the Day

drivel liveries (dri-vuhl) (liv-uh-reez)

-noun

Characteristic dress that mocks meaningless thinking of the masses.

Officially Bitter

So this is what mid-life feels like. And don’t try to tell me I am too young to be mid-life because I have no intention of living past 84. I have spent the past two rainy days in a hormonal funk reflecting on a lifetime of bad choices. Guess I shouldn’t be shocked that my son is in his 5th year as an undergrad music major. I haven’t really been a stellar example. Maybe I should follow his example and learn to inhale. Is this a case of the poor me’s? No, this a case of me wanting to, as the song so eloquently put, “kick the shit out of me”. It is clear that I am hopeless, that is the bad news. The good news; I know it!

Armed with this mad knowledge of self, I have prepared a plan for the second-half of my so-called life as a bitter and lonely soul.

1. 1. Purchase multiple sex toys. Nothing says I am bitter and lonely more than an arsenal of plastic penis.
   

2. 2.Quit shaving. A silver patch is a sign of wisdom.
   

3. 3.Purchase a condo.
   

4. 4.By red wine by the case. Let’s face it, I look so much better after four glasses.
   

5. 5.Become a fan Lifetime Televsion for Women on Facebook.
   

6. 6.Carry mace to seem empowered. (Of course I would have no intention of stopping a perp as it would probably be the only action I get).
   

7. 7.Start a non-profit.
   

8. 8.Roll my eyes at every twenty-something chica that walks by because I have forgotten how irritatingly cute I was at that age.
   

9. 9. Reread Judy Blume’s, Forever.
   

10. 10.Carry a yoga mat everywhere I go with the belief that having my head up my ass is an actual yoga pose. (I believe it is called cranium lodge).
    

And if this doesn’t work, I will pursue the favor of younger men and become a cougar.

Word of the Day

medievil (mee-dee-ee-vuhl)

-noun

The barbarian invasion of a woman’s psyche that causes a period of self-loathing also known as the dark ages.

Saccharine

It is that time of year again. Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and we are called on to contrive a feeling of romance in ourselves and the object of our love.

Don’t believe the hype! Cupid’s bow is nothing more than a glorified hypodermic needle. On the end of that needle; stupidity. When one is “struck” a lethal dose of chemicals are released in the brain; norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine. By lethal, I mean that these chemicals will wipe out your judgement, make you horny and have you sleep with someone you wouldn’t otherwise. Once you’ve sealed the deal your brain sends in the big gun; oxytocin. This chemical gives you the feeling of being “bonded” to the object of your desire and “love” ensues.

Next thing you know, you are married with 2 dogs, 3 rug rats, and a mini-van wondering how any of this happened. For those of you haven’t yet been bitten; consider this your intervention. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Word of the Day

cupidity (kyōō-pĭd'ĭ-tē)

-noun

The illusory, euphoric, and transient state of stupidity created when one is struck by what is formally known as “love”.

Dearly Departed

After driving from Boston to South Carolina and back... twice... in three weeks, I am no closer to understanding the roadside shrine. You know what I speak of. The cross on the spot where 10 year old Mikey McIntyre was struck and killed by some 80 year old, shriveled man who can no longer see over the steering wheel. Or the ribbon on the tree that snuffed out that high school kid who had one too many Jager Bombs. I do not need to know where your crackhead, niece dropped dead when she was just starting to get her life together. Correct me if I am wrong but I thought that that is what we have cemeteries and mantles for.

It must have something to do with the place where your loved one took their last breath. Right? If that’s the case why don’t we all create shrines at the spot where we each took our first breath; our mother’s crotch! Celebrate life! Don’t dwell in the negative and don’t force you woe begone ways on everyone else. Why can’t we all be like the Brits and suffer in silence? Why do we have to advertise our pain?

I think the only thing more offensive to me is the gang banger who’s been eulogized in the rear window of his brother’s Escalade. Get a tattoo and be done with it!

One more thing, if you insist on the roadside shrine, pass on the stuffed animal that after weeks of exposure to the elements looks like a third world dog. It’s a real downer.

Word of the Day

demorial (də-môr'ē-əl)

-noun

Anything intended to celebrate or honor the memory of a person but in the end corrupts or undermines with the use of fake flowers, popsicle stick crosses, and/or stuffed animals.

Uncle Sam and the Mammogram

The word is out! Woman under 50 do not require mammograms. Boy am I relieved. I have been avoiding a mammogram since I turned 40 two years ago. Every six months I get a letter from my PCP reminding me that I haven’t had one yet. Now I can relax. When my friends hassle me I can tell them Uncle Sam has decided that I don’t need one until I am fifty. All that worry for nothing!

It would seem Uncle Sam has a problem with commitment. Perhaps he is just looking at things from a different angle. I say, flim flamming is just a fancy way of saying; “He’s keeping his options open”.

Quinkie dink? Coincidence? I don’t think so. Universal Healthcare is just around the corner and there’s one corner they are sure to cut; screenings. How could we think that the government doesn’t have our best interest in mind?

I think the U.S.D.A should start administering mammograms. Women on their 50th birthday travel to Troy, NY for their exam, they get a fancy stamp on their breasts to show they’ve been inspected. It could be like a rite of passage and a great way to ensure that no woman exceeds her alloted screenings.

Whatever the outcome, I have a bigger burden; how am I going to deal with the shame of years of unnecessary breast self exams? I feel violated.

Word of the Day

sammogram (sam-uh-gram)

-noun

The governmental control over the administration of x-rays of the mammaries.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The 12 Steps of Facebooking

1. 1. We admitted we were powerless over Facebook- that our lives had become unmanageable.
   

2. 2.Came to believe that a website greater than ourselves could restore us to vanity.
   

3. 3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Facebook, as we understood it.
   

4. 4.Made a searching and fearless inventory of our “friends”.
   

5. 5.Admitted to Facebook, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of what we are doing moment by moment.
   

6. 6.Were entirely ready to have Facebook remove all defects of character through editing.
   

7. 7.Humbly asked It to remove our shortcomings.
   

8. 8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to remove them from our “friends list”.
   

9. 9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would draw attention to ourselves.
   

10. 10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly hit “delete”.
    

11. 11.Sought through chatting and email to improve our conscious contact with others, praying only for knowledge of Facebook’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
    

12. 12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of Facebook, we tried to carry this message to the masses, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
    

Word of the Day

diffusional (di-foo-zhuh-nl)

-adverb

The misled belief that broadcasting your status over Facebook is of interest to anyone but oneself.