So this is what mid-life feels like. And don’t try to tell me I am too young to be mid-life because I have no intention of living past 84. I have spent the past two rainy days in a hormonal funk reflecting on a lifetime of bad choices. Guess I shouldn’t be shocked that my son is in his 5th year as an undergrad music major. I haven’t really been a stellar example. Maybe I should follow his example and learn to inhale. Is this a case of the poor me’s? No, this a case of me wanting to, as the song so eloquently put, “kick the shit out of me”. It is clear that I am hopeless, that is the bad news. The good news; I know it!
Armed with this mad knowledge of self, I have prepared a plan for the second-half of my so-called life as a bitter and lonely soul.
1. Purchase multiple sex toys. Nothing says I am bitter and lonely more than an arsenal of plastic penis.
2.Quit shaving. A silver patch is a sign of wisdom.
3.Purchase a condo.
4.By red wine by the case. Let’s face it, I look so much better after four glasses.
5.Become a fan Lifetime Televsion for Women on Facebook.
6.Carry mace to seem empowered. (Of course I would have no intention of stopping a perp as it would probably be the only action I get).
7.Start a non-profit.
8.Roll my eyes at every twenty-something chica that walks by because I have forgotten how irritatingly cute I was at that age.
9. Reread Judy Blume’s, Forever.
10.Carry a yoga mat everywhere I go with the belief that having my head up my ass is an actual yoga pose. (I believe it is called cranium lodge).
And if this doesn’t work, I will pursue the favor of younger men and become a cougar.
Word of the Day
medievil (mee-dee-ee-vuhl)
-noun
The barbarian invasion of a woman’s psyche that causes a period of self-loathing also known as the dark ages.
