Splashdown and Quarantine

July 20th marked the 40th anniversary of the first Lunar Landing. Shortly thereafter I experienced a lunar landing of my own. I gave a tour to 28 thirteen year olds.

The tour started out with the usual cacophony. The kids laughed, quacked, and shouted expletives. I was feeling confident that this would be like every other tour I’d given to teenagers; the usual controlled chaos.

The mood turned abruptly when the students realized the tour might actually be educational. In an effort to keep the kids engaged I will often ask them to finish my statements on historical facts. This it usually met with an eagerness to shout the right answer. My first...

“...and that is where sextant Robert Newman hung the two lanterns as instructed by Paul Revere indicating one if by land, two if by...”

Silence. Nothing. Not a sound spare for the slight echo of the wind down a long vacant hall. Our ‘descent’ into deep space had begun.

They must not have heard me, I thought, scrambling for an explanation. Undeterred, I made another attempt.

“The USS Constitution is the oldest commissioned warship afloat in the world. Also, known as....”

No Old Glory, no Old Yeller, something... anything. Again, nothing.

I looked in my rear view mirror to see staring back at me, the starkness of craters and desolation. I was as awestruck as I would have been if I had actually landed on the moon.

I realized I “had a possible abort situation to contend with, but our procedure throughout the preparation phase was to always try to keep going as long as we could so that we could bypass these types of problems.” (Armstrong) So, I forged ahead unrelenting as I spouted off facts about the history that belonged to by this big group of stupid.

Alas, we arrived at the Charles. That dirty water had become a venerable desert oasis. Three, Two, One... splashdown!!!!

I am not a religious woman but, when we splashed down there was a hope in me that the waters of the Charles might somehow serve to cleanse and rejuvenate my defeated spirit. Sadly, I knew it was not to be when, from the back deck of the duck I heard,

“Are there alligators in this water?”

Word of the Day

quaranteen (kwawr uhn teen)

-noun

a strict isolation imposed on teenagers to prevent the spread of stupidity

Milk and Honey

The new breastfeeding doll hit the stands. It is about time!! What a benefit to both new mom and doll! Before you become outraged at this you should understand the benefits to the child who is breastfeeding. Breastfeeding will help your youngster’s uterus contract and return to its pre-pregnancy state and will slow bleeding, breastfeeding is essential to child/doll bonding, and your child’s undeveloped breasts are always at the ready for a feeding. Think of the convenience!

What mom wouldn’t want unnecessary attention drawn to her child’s chest as she draws her suckling baby doll to her teats. We, as women, have worked hard for our rights to breastfeed openly. Our daughters are the new champions for the cause.

Don’t worry. Your child does not have to expose herself to feed her doll. The doll comes with a halter top that has daisy pasties attached at just the right spots. Don’t be surprised when your daughter loses interest in the doll, she is still wearing the halter top and swinging on the support pole in your basement. It is all part of healthy development.

Word of the Day

pedolechery (pee duh lech uh ree)

-noun

pedo; meaning child

leche; meaning milk

sexual desire in an adult spawned by watching a child breastfeed her doll.

Zombie

There is a tropical fungus that requires perfect conditions in order to live. When it finds itself in the trees of the rainforest, conditions unsuitable for its survival, it highjacks a tree dwelling ant. The possessed ant then leaves its habitat, climbs down from the tree clamps down onto a blade of grass and dies. The ant is permanently fixed 98% of the time in what is the perfect condition for the fungus.

In a remarkable likeness, scientists have discovered that the Real Housewives of Orange County behave much like these parasitic spores. The housewives hosts become zombie-like observers of their lives. They mindlessly tune in weekly providing the wives the perfect living conditions. Without their hosts the housewives would die. This behavior is called adaptive parasite manipulation and is more prevalent than one would think.

Word of the Day

sleazure (sleez uhr lee)

-noun

freedom from the demands of work achieved at the expense of others.

How to Get to Jesus from Deltona, Florida

Hear me ye Bible Thumpers;

Being a self absorbed Jesus freak does not deem you exempt from social protocol. People in the service industry cannot feed their family with your Christian propaganda pamphlets. Now, I suppose if we were really crafty we could create oragami swans out of your pamphlet and sell them for fifty cents each on Tremont Street. I think it wiser to stock pile them for the winter to burn in my fireplace when I cannot afford heat. These materials should accompany a gratuity, not be placed in its stead. It isn’t our fault that when the plate goes by you leave half your paycheck to the church. If you are broke, stay home.

Try elevating something other than your spirit, like your I.Q. You live in the material world; for now. It is about service to one another. Volunteer, go green, or teach someone how to read your pious diarrhea. I do not need self-righteous assholes to tell me how to get to Jesus. I have GPS.

Quote of the Day

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” Oscar Wilde

Word of the Day

sacrobanked (sak roh bangk)

-verb

extremely sacred and inviolable financial arrangement between churchgoers and Jesus.

Duh!

Walter B. Pitkin wrote, “Stupidity can easily be proved the supreme Social Evil”. I believe this to be true. It is time to put the “sapience” back in homo sapiens!

Man has been slowly making a return to his mouth breathing, knuckle-dragging ways of old. We are a grab and dash lot hell bent on “what we “have” instead of “who we are”. Have we stopped evolving? Are we regressing to an irrational, greed motivated, fear based society of stupid.

Stop flooding your senses with sounds and images that astonish and/or numb. Be cognizant, present, awake. For God sake turn off your t.v. and snap out of it!

If you are one of the stupid people, you probably will have a hard time identifying yourself as one. Non-stupid people, I call on you to make it your personal mission to guide stupid people out of the forest. You are their last hope.

Since most stupid people will not make it out of the forest and we cannot selectively sterilize them, I suggest we ignore stupid people out of existence. This is plausible and possible if we believe the words of Jon Wheeler, “No phenomenon is a real phenomenon until it is an observed phenomenon.” If we can all come to agree with Wheeler’s statement, close our eyes, block our ears, shout, “Nah, nah, nah, can’t hear you”, maybe, just maybe we will rid the world of stupidity.

You got a better idea?

Word of the Day

duhnyocide (du nah yuh sahyd)

-noun Mass extermination of stupid people caused by denying their existence.

A Viking Walks Into a Bar

Last Saturday evening a 63 year old man dressed as a viking reportedly lifted his fur skirt to expose his “not so” broadsword to two women sitting at the bar at the Newton Marriot. Police were called and the Mashpee man now faces charges.

For all those considering exposing themselves as a career, I’ve created “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Degenerates” to assist you in your climb to the top.

1. Be Proactive

Hand out business cards with a catchy call name. This is the mark of a professional and could lead to future bookings.

2. Begin with the end in mind

Wait for a wink or nod from the visual recipient to ensure that they are onboard.

3. Put First Things First

If your man parts come to mid-thigh because of age and not endowment, keep them tucked away, your hay day has passed.

4. Think Win/Win

To “Wow” the client wait for warm weather or move to a tropical climate.

5. Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Not everyone has the same needs. Here are a few subtle cues that your services may not be needed:

~She is with her partner.

~She exhibits good taste.

~She is hanging out anywhere but in an alley.

~She is a woman.

6. Synergize

If your club attire includes, well... a club and a fur skirt, The Machine might be a better venue for your act.

7. Sharpen the Saw

This one goes without saying.

Most importantly know that your need to expose yourself comes from your generous spirit. Give with an open heart and you will always be well received.

No Fly Zone

In the wake of the loss of David Carradine, I am consoled! Call it it a quinkie dink, but Obama’s stealth attack on a housefly yesterday sure did resemble the Kung fu self control of an enlightened Grasshopper. Seems Carradine may be a whisper in the ear of our new president. All those years of trying to remove the stone from Master Po’s hand have found new purpose!

I don’t know about you but for me; all doubt has been removed. President Obama has clearly proven that he has what it takes to lead our country. Have you ever tried to smash a housefly? The odds of you nailing it are about 1 in 1000 (more or less).

PETA members fail to see the significance and have expressed their outrage over the act. I wonder how many weevils the average PETA member has consumed from a box of Trader Joe’s organic whole wheat pasta? Is it humane if you boil them before consuming them? The road to hell is paved with the hypocrisy of extremist! Try a little moderation!

I personally believe that the president acted according to the Rules of Engagement as established by the Geneva Convention. If you viewed the interview you will see that Obama warns “Leave me alone”. Despite a gentle shooing, the fly persists eventually coming to rest on Obama’s hand. If this isn’t an attack on domestic territory... I don’t know what is.

Kudos, Kung fu Obama! In the words of Master Po, “The only darkness, is fear.”

Word of the Day

martial flaw (mar tial flaw)

-noun

1. Exhibiting the characteristics of a warrior in front of a hyper/ hypocritical audience.

Hangover

Went to see Hangover the other night.  What would have been an evening of uproarious laughter turned when an 11 year old sat down beside me.  I guess it's okay since he was accompanied by... his mother!  What the hell was this woman thinking?  If you haven't seen the movie, it has all the standard bachelor party antics; drunken debauchery, fighting, sex with strangers, and a chicken.

There is a rift in the way people parent.  If the kid isn't being forced to wear a helmet while eating broccoli, then he's got the fat kid from next door hog tied over a spit in the backyard.  

Obviously, I think this mother showed poor judgement but that isn't what I am pissed about.  I am ticked that I couldn't belly laugh at the asian man's virtually non-existent penis, couldn't guffaw at baby masturbation, and more than anything I upset that I couldn't fondle my husband's crotch!  

Hey, Mother of the Year, next time leave the tweener home for some creative alone time!